I have to post something sometime, don't I?

This is unfinished, but will have to do for now.

For the past two nights, maybe longer (I'm kind of in a fog), Stella has been up until 1 in the morning. Getting her to sleep earlier seems to elude me/us. Around midnight last night, I put her in front of a video, turned off the lights and went to bed. I heard her in there fidgeting on the floor. Finally, she stumbled in wanting to sleep. It makes me feel like a bad mother, neglectful, so if anyone has any ideas let me know. (Note: we don't have a crib, or a room with a door.) We have also tried getting her up really early the next morning, but that hasn't worked either. What this means is that we are in taking-care-of-kids mode about 17 hours a day. No breaks.

In my therapist's office yesterday, I was telling her why, my whole life, I wanted to be a mother. It sounds corny, but I wanted to be the mother I always wished I had. I see them only once a year, my mom and dad, and it seems like the older I get, the less tolerant I am of their quirks and the things they say that make me crazy. My sister Shelley told me that my dad told her on the phone recently that Kerry was evil because he is pro-choice and that means he wants to "kill babies." (Granted, he also thinks Bush is way evil, too.) My mom, though, is another story. She has been a source of pain for me my whole life, very distant, but also like a hurt child, or a wounded puppy. Very defensive and emotional when confronted about even minor things. Anyway, we're all going to be staying with my 95-year-old grandma who my parents don't get along with too well. So think of me starting on about the 17th of July, and how I will be wishing I had a perscription for Prozac.

And I know many people who can say wholeheartedly they feel deep affection for their mothers. I'm very jealous of that.